I was pretty sure of myself. I told everyone my past made me who I was and it was a good thing... I liked who I became... blah, blah, blah... That was so far from the truth. I did my best to forget as much of my past as I could while it still holds/held me in it's grip. My fear is a living thing to me and it isn't happy I have been pushing it down and not seeing it or giving it's due. Sounds weird I am sure but it is there.
I still have the fear. I still have the pain. I still have the anger. I am a liar.... I've lied to myself, my Mama, my Old Man, my friends, to everyone. I only gave just enough of myself. Never all of myself because I'm still afraid. Oddly enough I didn't really know it til I started writing and talking about it. Then it all started coming back in force and I couldn't bottle it up again. Yes, that is a good thing but I didn't even realize how much I have locked up and I hate feeling lost in the mess of my mind.
I've been feeling pretty fucked up... I'm lost, pissed off, agitated, angry, at times aggressive but I continue to put out a happy face for the most part. I actually have only shown my craziness to one other person aside from Scott.
Why is it I can't allow people to really see me? I am unfiltered... no holds barred but even so I only allow so much out to everyone and only allow a certain few really in. I have perfected the art of being open and honest but within the confines of what I am comfortable with people knowing. I could care less what people think of me. That's never been a hang up of mine. I just don't trust easily and it's easier to only give a little of yourself when you can't trust.
I don't even know what I am trying to accomplish with this post. Part of me hopes that it will help me work thru all of the things, thoughts, feelings and memories that have been smashing into me the past month or so. I'm trying so hard to figure things out and just working it thru in my mind isn't working... Here's hoping my babbling post gives me something to go on.
I've missed writing to all of you. I am making a promise to return to a more active posting schedule. I promise to be more honest than I ever was before... I promise myself I'll get myself to a place that I'm not afraid and I am just me. Good, bad or indifferent... Love me or hate me.
Til next time...
Love ya...
~LilBitch
