The words are here or there but I am not sure how to write them down. I am mentally tired and just a little lost. Physically I am not really any better than I was before my back surgery. So I'm fighting at this point to just make it thru without losing it. God forbid I lose it, right?
I am not sure how to play at this anymore. I am falling back into the pattern of "being fine" for others when I'm not "fine" at all. As my shrink would say I'm regressing. Regression whereas I like aggression to be honest. I can understand that. I know how to use that, to be that. Regression is losing even if it brings you back to a place where you/I can start again.
Make any sense?? Oddly enough as I write this it makes a lot of sense to me. I mean if it ends ok then the journey , no matter how fucked up, is worth it. Or it should be. ??? I feel like everything is going in circles. Once I have a handle on my life, health etc... I "regress" back to a place that I thought was behind me.
How many times can they tell me I am sick... How many times can they tell me I need another test, MRI, myelogram, blood test, treatment and injections. Then let's pile on my emotional health that stems from all of this and more. Yea.... I regress.... And when I do I do it big! That's something.. Ha!
I know I am babbling and it isn't the best one of my posts and I apologize for that. I've just had a few
hard knocks this week with my health and with my emotions (decisions I have made). Just been a bad week and I realized writing even if it is just a little bit and may not make a lot of sense writing helps me. I have forgotten that part of me. I had forgotten how writing frees me... So I guess I am back in all my rambling glory.
As always I love y'all and hope my fuckupedness can help one or more of y'all.
*excuse the typos*
LiliBitch
