I'm still "feeling" raw.

Seems like I am always fighting for my life. Ok... So I'll back up a bit. I've been doing a lot of self introspection ie: fucking homework, thanks to my psychiatrist. Don't get me wrong I know I am too fucked up to just be done working on myself and my issues. It took years to get so fucked up I'm not ignorant to the fact it'll take me a long time to get me to a really good place, hell maybe forever I'll have to keep working to get there.

Anyhow, it still makes me insanely (ha!) pissed off.... I've been working on my being open emotionally and physically with people. Letting people in etc... Which makes me laugh because I let all of you into my fucked up brain all the damn time but apparently that is not enough. I have to flay myself open or at least that is how it feels to me, and truly look at all my layers. You know all those lovely things I've tried forever to forget, pretend someone else did, the people I have let down or how I feel like I've let myself down. Oh and let's not forget my own mortality. I kind of hoped I gained a pass from this shit since I got sick.... I mean isn't dealing with death, dying... worrying about my family and who will take my place in keeping shit together never mind who will be able to do all of that plus keeping my Mama, my husband and my baby girl sane. How much more do I have to delve into my fucked-upedness?

I'm fucking tired. Not in a I wanna let go and just float away tired as in death etc.... But I'm fucking tired! I keep fighting and my body isn't working with me. It's a sense of agony, of insanity and having no clue how to feel good enough to move forward for myself and my homework/healing and taking care of who/what i am responsible of and love.

So I went through my angry phase (maybe you realized with my obsession with FFDP *i still fucking love them but*) now I am still angry but my musical choice of late is Breaking Benjamin (ie: my quote from the song Dear Agony). " I will fight with one last breath.... Just let go slowly. Is this the way it's got to be... Don't bury me... Faceless enemy.... Dear agony... Leave me alone, God let me go, black will burn.... Hate lift me me up.... Just turn around there's nothing left."

Sense a theme? Now with that being said I couldn't figure out why this song pulled at me so hard. I mean there is so many angst riddled songs in the world of new and old music but why this one. Then I had a vague memory about the lead singer and some pretty severe issues etc... So hello Wikipedia and I remembered ... This is the first album he ever wrote and recorded sober. Ding ding ding.... I may not be an alcoholic or an addict but I was a "cutter", an emotionally fucked up kid and until I was a semi young adult a fucked up one of those too. Add in bi polar with a bit of PTSD in and hello.... Dear Agony, just let go  of me.

This song isn't about death and darkness, at least to me.... It is a song about grasping at the tiny little strings that are tethering me here and trying to break away from my fear and hell of my past (all of my actions reactionary and otherwise as well as what was done to me.) but also me fighting for my life and not forgetting to feel everything.

My shrink is a tricky bitch. She loves that shit... Don't forget to feel she says.... Like I can forget it but then again when I "did" forget to feel I wasn't do well at all. See the biggest misconception about me and my mental illness is that medication will fix me entirely. I'm not on the brink anymore or ready to jump from the ledge but for me being medicated and "feeling" is a razors edge for me. It would've served me better if I was just crazy or if I was just abused. I have to feel and deal with "double" the fun stuff. Let me tell you that sucks. See, she is a tricky bitch. She knows what I have to feel and what I'll face.... my deepest and darkest secrets that I only have told to 2 people, under duress. Am I strong enough...

"Suffer slowly.... Don't bury me faceless enemy... I'm so sorry... Is this the way it's gotta be... Dear agony...?" See, there is the song again... I'm fighting a war of my heart, mind and now my body. I keep waiting for something else and quite honestly you have no idea..... It doesn't end anymore. There is always something coming. I can feel it before it happens but there is a shit ton of "other shoe(s) that have fallen and they will, most probably continue to fall."

The only good part of this is that I'm not in a bad place anymore ok not a totally emotionally bad place; that's more honest. I'm not abusing myself, cutting etc... I'm am fighting to live and fighting for my family. "Somewhere far beyond this world.... Dear agony... Just let go of me.... Don't bury... Is this how it's supposed to be.?"

See, she is a tricky bitch but she is an amazing shrink. Plus she lets me use music because of what it has always done and been for me. She also encourages me and my writing. I told her I was afraid that people look at me differently as I continue to pull back all of my layers and admit to the darkest parts of myself. She said then fuck them and you now what? She's right. Go figure, but if my truest self is too much or too sad or too disgusting for you (I've only scratched the surface so, you haven't heard all of it) than she's right, fuck all.

So my homework is/was working on being more emotionally and physically open. I'm trying but in the process I've learned my feelings are still extremely raw. I am fumbling more than sure of where I am going. I'm fighting for my life once again all while I am struggling to figure out how to heal emotionally and its fucking messy as hell. Frighteningly so.... But I'm still fighting. Sometimes suffering slowly kind of makes sense. . . ?

http://youtu.be/rsiHbuwXixg check out the song and the lyrics, please. Maybe you'll get me just a little bit more.

" I will end where I began." - Dear Agony -Breaking Bejamin

Love Hard, Always...
LilBitch ❤️

I fought for my life and my emotional health and my fucking body is rejecting me.

I guess I have been "quiet" for about a year now. Trust me when I say I've been working in ways that aren't visible and vocal but they are important. I found from this blog that sharing in other ways and with people who need just someone to talk to is helpful in my learning and growth as a survivor...dealing with my mental and emotional health as well as my physical health as well.

I hate saying it but since I became sick or better yet someone did the right tests and found out I was for all intents and purposes, dying. Scary right? Yea, it is... Funny thing was and is I sat through blood transfusions and test after test, blown veins, ct scans, mri's, ultrasounds, got a port in put in my chest... Was told a had a heart murmur and a leaky heart valve and god knows what else and all I thought about was what a waste my life was... And how I needed to revise my will. 

The will makes sense but feeling my life was a waste is kind of redundant. I mean I survived beatings that I thought would kill me. Emotional, mental and physical abuse and dealing with being bi polar. Alcoholism in my immediate family and otherwise... And all I could think of was what a waste my life was? I mean come on, I know what I've overcome and who I am, right? 

So, I sat stoically through countless doctors appointments and did more tests. Then I started treatments because apparently my body is rejecting me... It's rejecting me! How's that for irony?  Of all the things I thought could ever happen I seriously thought the worst had already happened. What's the biggest "God said Ha!" moment ever? When you pushed and pulled and fought for your life. When you've given voice to a story that is uniquely your own but it's so many others as well... and my body is rejecting me.?.?. Motherfucker I kept this body alive.... I fought for my life and my emotional health and my fucking body is rejecting me. 

In a way my sick sense of humor looked at it as an irony of epic proportions that when I say the only luck I have is bad luck has been proven true once again. Which leads me to the next part , what the hell do I do now? Do I just say fuck it all and live life til it's done and over or do I stare my mortality in the face and say Fuck You, I know you can do better than this.? 

And that is the real question isn't it. When faced with your deepest and darkest time do you fight with everything you have? Do you take a step back and evaluate? Or do you do what I'd did and laugh at how my own body hates me and think about getting my will changed etc.? 

I sit and watch everyone is the chemotherapy/treatment room, they put all sickies together, and I look at the expressions and feel the moods. Some are visibly angry and indignant and fuck all they are gonna fight! Then you have the ones who've been here before a time or two and you feel the desperate last ditch attempt at fighting to live. Or the ones who have pretty much given up and are only doing this as a token gesture for family. And then there is me... I refuse to cry no matter how much it hurts and how nauseous I get. I smile at the girl who is my age and has no hair and asks for her Mama because she's scared. I let people I don't know hug me and touch my hand (well most of you know from my past touching, hugging etc scares the hell out of me and can trigger PTSD attacks and my anxiety to go through the roof)) and  tell me how everything is going to be alright because it makes them feel better to say it. Meanwhile I'm sitting there wondering if anyone knows what it's like to know your body is rejecting you?

I know I'm not the first to go through something like this and I won't be the last. But see I did get a Ha! moment and that moment made me question everything. From who I really am  to if anything I have done really made a difference? It goes back to the age old question of do I matter? If I am here still will I make a difference and if I'm not will that make a difference? For fucks sakes I'm an advocate for victims of domestic violence and people who suffer with bi polar, PTSD and depressive disorders and I felt like I was back to square one. The scared little girl who turned into the scared teenager who turned into the scared young woman. 

So Now What? 

I think that's good for now, don't you? I'll be back tomorrow or Thursday. But for now i think that s enough.

Love you guys...
LilBitch