I fought for my life and my emotional health and my fucking body is rejecting me.

I guess I have been "quiet" for about a year now. Trust me when I say I've been working in ways that aren't visible and vocal but they are important. I found from this blog that sharing in other ways and with people who need just someone to talk to is helpful in my learning and growth as a survivor...dealing with my mental and emotional health as well as my physical health as well.

I hate saying it but since I became sick or better yet someone did the right tests and found out I was for all intents and purposes, dying. Scary right? Yea, it is... Funny thing was and is I sat through blood transfusions and test after test, blown veins, ct scans, mri's, ultrasounds, got a port in put in my chest... Was told a had a heart murmur and a leaky heart valve and god knows what else and all I thought about was what a waste my life was... And how I needed to revise my will. 

The will makes sense but feeling my life was a waste is kind of redundant. I mean I survived beatings that I thought would kill me. Emotional, mental and physical abuse and dealing with being bi polar. Alcoholism in my immediate family and otherwise... And all I could think of was what a waste my life was? I mean come on, I know what I've overcome and who I am, right? 

So, I sat stoically through countless doctors appointments and did more tests. Then I started treatments because apparently my body is rejecting me... It's rejecting me! How's that for irony?  Of all the things I thought could ever happen I seriously thought the worst had already happened. What's the biggest "God said Ha!" moment ever? When you pushed and pulled and fought for your life. When you've given voice to a story that is uniquely your own but it's so many others as well... and my body is rejecting me.?.?. Motherfucker I kept this body alive.... I fought for my life and my emotional health and my fucking body is rejecting me. 

In a way my sick sense of humor looked at it as an irony of epic proportions that when I say the only luck I have is bad luck has been proven true once again. Which leads me to the next part , what the hell do I do now? Do I just say fuck it all and live life til it's done and over or do I stare my mortality in the face and say Fuck You, I know you can do better than this.? 

And that is the real question isn't it. When faced with your deepest and darkest time do you fight with everything you have? Do you take a step back and evaluate? Or do you do what I'd did and laugh at how my own body hates me and think about getting my will changed etc.? 

I sit and watch everyone is the chemotherapy/treatment room, they put all sickies together, and I look at the expressions and feel the moods. Some are visibly angry and indignant and fuck all they are gonna fight! Then you have the ones who've been here before a time or two and you feel the desperate last ditch attempt at fighting to live. Or the ones who have pretty much given up and are only doing this as a token gesture for family. And then there is me... I refuse to cry no matter how much it hurts and how nauseous I get. I smile at the girl who is my age and has no hair and asks for her Mama because she's scared. I let people I don't know hug me and touch my hand (well most of you know from my past touching, hugging etc scares the hell out of me and can trigger PTSD attacks and my anxiety to go through the roof)) and  tell me how everything is going to be alright because it makes them feel better to say it. Meanwhile I'm sitting there wondering if anyone knows what it's like to know your body is rejecting you?

I know I'm not the first to go through something like this and I won't be the last. But see I did get a Ha! moment and that moment made me question everything. From who I really am  to if anything I have done really made a difference? It goes back to the age old question of do I matter? If I am here still will I make a difference and if I'm not will that make a difference? For fucks sakes I'm an advocate for victims of domestic violence and people who suffer with bi polar, PTSD and depressive disorders and I felt like I was back to square one. The scared little girl who turned into the scared teenager who turned into the scared young woman. 

So Now What? 

I think that's good for now, don't you? I'll be back tomorrow or Thursday. But for now i think that s enough.

Love you guys...
LilBitch