So now I am sad. I am angry. I hate going backwards...

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't struggle, some days more than others, in my fight to stay in a good/healthy place. Now don't get me wrong I'm not complaining or whining. I knew it would continue to be a struggle. It takes a lot to combat years of abuse be it from family and on to my ex. 

It sounds crazy but the struggle... Hell, more like the fight, is a good thing, at least for me. It keeps me in the moment and not mired negatively in the past. I say this because someone had the balls to say that I should let the past go. All the memories, thoughts and feelings. They feel its not helpful. What hurt the most was it was said by someone who I love and has been a part of my life forever. They are my family... 

I used to fear opening my mind to the past... Peeling the layers back and remembering. I found that it gave me the ability to heal and to make sure I never allowed anything like that to happen again. Kind of like the saying if we don't remember the past we are doomed to repeat it. For myself, my well being and my sanity I have to remember and be open to it, see it and feel it. It keeps me centered where I need to be. 

I am hurt by the person who told me to just let it all go. As in my heart hurts because that was just the tip of the ice berg as far as the conversation went. I was made to feel insignificant. That my thoughts and feelings on more than just the subject of my life at the hands of my advisers meant nothing. And it was all for the sake of them not choosing sides. 

Funny thing though... I can't totally blame them. I relied on them to take my feelings into consideration and by doing so I gave my power away. The one thing that I know is the worst thing to do. Only I should have power over me... So even though the disregarded me, my feelings etc... I bear some of it as well.  

So now I am sad. I am angry. I hate going backwards.... Now I am fighting back and it's so hard this time. I just have to keep pushing forward. The one thing I want you all to know is you hold the power but don't think that toxic people can't do you harm. They can and will even if they don't realize it. 

I am slowly but surely getting back to blogging etc so I will say bye for now and I'll catch up with you all in the next day or so. 

Love LilBitch