In starting this blog and writing my story(s) it's almost like I opened a flood gate of sorts. I am remembering things that I haven't thought of in years and therefore tonight my mind is all over the place. So, I apologize in advance. Remember, I didn't promise chronological order but I did promise the truth.
Yesterday I got an email from someone who even though I haven't seen her in years I still consider her a friend. She has been following my blog and was encouraging me to continue. She was one of the only people who really "knew" me even without me ever having to tell her everything that was going on in my home. She just knew & understood... See, I told you, I gravitated towards people who had craziness, abuse, neglect etc... in their lives without even knowing it.
Anyhow, I met her thru a friend during the summer after my sophomore year of HS. We both had a lot of similarities in our home lives and well, we just bonded. I don't even know if she realizes how much she did for me or grounded me when I needed it. We could laugh over nothing, cruise in her Volare (the car you had to lovingly pet and pray she'd start), we'd buy a new outfit, do our hair and make up and go out dancing at clubs on teen nights. All the things you take for granted when you are a teenager. I fought for her literally and cried with her when things got too bad for either her or I.
There are two times in particular that stand out for me where I fought for her... The first was a bitter cold night, middle of winter in NJ cold night, and we were hanging out with a bunch of our friends and she and her boyfriend has a huge blowout nasty fight. I remember afterwards following her out to the porch and sitting down next to her, putting my arm around her and we sat in silence. I'm not sure who or when but someone brought us a blanket and we just sat out there for what seemed like hours smoking and thinking. Just being quiet.
The second time she reminded me of yesterday and even though I have remembered the incident over the years this time it made me mad, at myself. See, we (a bunch of girls) were all supposed to go down the shore and stay at one of our friend's sisters rental house. I'm not going to say we were going to be angels or anything but apparently her boyfriend decided she was under no circumstances going with us. He had the balls to come to my house, as we were packing up the car and convinced her to get into his car and leave with him. I knew she was only leaving with him so things wouldn't get worse and he wouldn't make a bigger scene. Well, needless to say me and another of our friends decided that enough was enough... I knew he was going to hurt her. So, we went to his house and we kidnapped her. And yes he was pissed but hell it made being down the shore so much sweeter that weekend. Yesterday she told me that day turned her life around and what me and our other friend did opened her eyes to what the relationship was.
Now I bet you are wondering why this made me mad at myself, right?? Ok, here goes... I grew up in a house that was emotionally abusive and when my step dad was feeling really giving he was physically abusive towards me. I had a few friends that had been in moderately abusive relationships, here and there, and I always listened and tried to help but never judged. Not to mention the one friend I just talked about, who was in a seriously fucked up relationship and I kidnapped her ass because I couldn't stand the idea of her in pain. So, how in the hell did I allow myself to fall for, be with, make excuses for and stay with a man who was no better than any of them and if I am perfectly honest he treated me 100% worse than my step dad???
I never looked at it from that perspective before. It may sound stupid but I didn't really get it til last night after I read her email. In my mind, until last night, I was still glossing over what he did to me and how bad it was. I know I lost myself and who I was... Lost contact with friends and allowed him to control everything.... Where the hell did the girl who kidnapped her friend go??????????????? How did that girl fall into the classic abusive relationship?????
The simple answer and what my shrink would say is, "When you grow up in chaos and abuse blah blah..." I don't want to even finish that statement.... that answer isn't what I want.... Right now I want to be mad!!! At my step dad, at me, at my ex.... I just wanna know where the fearless girl went....
I think that's it for now....
~LilBitch
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