Before I start..........
Today, I finally created an FB Perfectly Imperfect page and I am so happy I did. So far the feedback is amazing and I can't wait to see how far it/we can go. My blog became so much more than I thought it would and my hope is for this page to do the same. I want everyone to be able to tell their story or even just listen...There are no rules just openness and honesty. Oh and letting everyone know that no one is alone. That's probably the one thing that I love the most about this. It is amazing to know that I am not alone in what I felt, what I went thru and what I continue to go thru in continuing my journey.
Ok, so for obvious reasons I've been thinking of my Step Dad, Ed, a lot the past few days. Trying to wrap my mind around the new information I received and trying to figure out what to do with it. Oddly enough I also have been thinking a lot about my ex. (For my safety and legal purposes I won't be giving his real name or occupation. So for this blog etc I'll call him Antonio Rojas.) I'd be lying if I said I was surprised that I was thinking of him lately. I can honestly say there is more times I think of him than not. He shaped my life as much as Ed did just in a different way.
Yep, I am a walking cliche to a certain extent. The saying girls end up with men just like their daddy weren't lying. Sad thing was at first I had no idea Antonio was an abuser. He did everything right, said everything right, had the perfect job etc etc... I was totally caught up in the fact he was the perfect guy for Ed. Yes, I was still trying to make Ed like me and happy.
Antonio came from a single parent household, overcame a crazy home & family life, worked to get scholarships and make something of himself. Pretty heady stuff for my step dad who loved the self made man. Plus he saw another person he could add to his "Perfect" life picture.
Now, I wonder if Ed knew just by looking at Antonio that he was just like him. They both had the charming and manipulative personality. They both commanded their jobs with authority and garnered respect for the work they did. Hell they both did work for the community at large for those less fortunate. As I look back I can't help but wonder if they didn't see a kindred soul in one another...??? Could my step dad possibly have seen his successor in my abuse?
I said before how angry I still get at myself for falling into an abusive relationship especially with the abuse I suffered thru as a child, not to mention what I saw my Mama go thru. Up until Antonio I tended to date men who were emotionally unavailable which worked since I was emotionally fucked up.
So, this is one of the other things I still have to work thru because I can't tell you how he did it but he made me believe I couldn't live without him. It was slow and steady and by the time I realized what had happened and who I had become, I was trapped.
If you haven't been thru it it is so hard explain how it feels. I had no idea how to get out... all I thought about was making it from one day to the next.
He had so many ways of keeping me in line. I swear Guantanamo could use him. He'd ignore me for a few days and then all of a sudden be in my space telling me how stupid and useless I was. Then he'd be sweet, kind, caring and treat me like a princess.
He hated when I would go anywhere without him, even if it was just going somewhere with my Mama, so he would always "mark" my body, where my clothes would cover the bruises, teeth marks. He said since I was a whore and he couldn't trust me he felt the "marks" would show I was taken.
Now I can see how fucked up that logic was. If I was so awful why would any other man want me?? If that was true than why did he have to "mark" me. I never thought of any of that... I was so lost to myself I really thought he was the only man who would ever want me. My step dad did a great job of putting me down and eradicating any sense of self worth I felt he was the best I could do.
So, I guess it makes sense that I've been thinking a lot about both of them the past few days....
I have to admit I am not sure if this post tonight makes total sense and I promise to fill in the gaps as I go on. Now that we have the Group Page you can email me a question you have and I promise to answer it in my blog. But tonight this was what I was thinking and feeling....
Good Night for now my Bitches ;)
~LilBitch
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