The good, the bad are why I became me... ?

I know it says a lot about my childhood when I have a weirdly sketchy recollection of certain time frames of my life. Happy memories to be exact while the bad memories are vivid. A few therapists told me it was my psyches way of protecting me, some said that it was just that nothing too important happened at the time. More blah, blah, blahs.... I have always felt that I remember the bad things so acutely because that was what really shaped me.

I think it was in a Psychology Class as well as a Doctor I spoke to who said by the age of 5 or 6 the core of you, emotionally, has been shaped to who you will be. God Bless.... Now that explains a lot doesn't it. Unfortunately I'm inclined to agree. I had so much happen from the time I was born til the time I was 6 that I can't see how it wouldn't have shaped who I am. Therefore making it impossible to undo.(Not to mention the chaos in my life didn't stop at the age of 6 but continued on for a long time.) 

Now I am not saying that I believe you can't overcome these things you just have to find a way to incorporate them and work to not let them become your whole being but just become a part of who you are. The truth is that every experience in your life shapes you. Good, bad or indifferent I am who I am because of it all and I like who that is. Not all of the time, since I am still working on myself (like writing this blog & sharing my story) but all in all I think I'm a pretty cool chick.

Now, before someone reading this calls bullshit I want to make it patently clear, was any of it easy...? Hell No!!! Was it difficult...? Hell yes!! I didn't start dealing with any of this and I mean really deal with any of it til I was over 30 yrs old. The excuses I made were many... There were plenty of times I did give up. Mentally I went to a very dark place where I was so lost in the beliefs of what my Step-Dad had pummeled into my head over the years I believed I deserved the abuse at the hand of a man that I believed I loved. The really sick thing was I believed he loved me. The pain, physical & emotional, was normal and I became comfortable there. I didn't "feel" anything but pain. I was numb to everything but the pain. Pain made sense to me.... I bled and luckily, I survived.

I'm sorry but I think that's all I can give tonight. Dramatic, maybe, but I can feel a lot of this again right now. I need some space and some time to think.

For now...
~LilBitch