The Dead speak & Evil still exists.....

So... Monday night I sat here and wrote about how I thru the adversity of my past I became the person I am now. Even though I still had to work on some things here and there. Ironic that my past would come and bite me in the ass less than 24 hours later. From a hand that stretched straight from the other side, from the grave.

Now, before I get into what happened to shake me to the core I want to explain about some of my central beliefs. As I have said before I'm not religious. Not to say I am an atheist I'd say I am more of a spiritual person. I believe guilt is a useless emotion... Because unless I do something patently horrible the reasons I did something made sense to me at the time. So I make no excuses, I don't tell people what they wanna hear just because and I don't live my life to make other people happy. Bottom line, I'm honest...

There are two final things I believe in and they are... that dead are never really gone or lost to us, all you have to do is listen. And lastly and probably the thing I believe in most strongly is evil and that evil never truly dies. Therefore I know the essence of my bastard of a Step Dad is still hanging around.

How do I know the essence of the bastard is still around??? Well, not 24 hours after I wrote my last blog my younger sister sent me an email. Now she didn't send this to me with any malicious intent. She sent it to me after reading my blog and it was in turn having her more readily remember things my Step Dad said to her about me. She hoped that it would give me a different perspective in what I already knew and a better understanding on why our (her & mine) was so difficult and how we really didn't have any relationship at all.

Needless to say it blew me away and not in a good way. It showed me what I worked so hard to get thru and make sense of in order to be where I was ok with myself etc.... well it was based only on half facts. Leaving me wondering if any of what I have done is worth it at all...

Like I've said before, I started this blog because I wanted to tell the truth about my life and experiences... maybe learn something new and hopefully help someone along the way. Well.... I definitely learned a helluva a lot yesterday.

My sister has given me permission to post the email she sent to me. I respect her for allowing me to do so. It's not easy putting your past out there for people to see and discuss so I want to publicly thank her now(again).

Here is the email from my sister.....

                    Reading all you've written so far with a totally open mind and no judgment... that was my basis for going in and reading the blog. So far it's been really eye-opening. I thought I would share something else that I've just now *realized* was a thing thanks to seeing childhood from a different perspective. What I write might be emotionally difficult so be prepared for that.

I remember that dad used to discourage anything I did that made him think of things you would do. It wouldn't only be for negative things, but any positive things too, except for sports which we both know dad was fine with. So if I wanted to do my hair and makeup all pretty like you always did, or if YOU did my hair or makeup or nails, dad would say things like "You going to be a slut like your sister?" This was constant, *all the time* he would warn me NEVER to be anything like you were, never to have anything in common with you, and I would be scolded for any behavior that he associated with you. If I got a C he would say "You going to be stupid like your sister?" If I didn't want to do an extracurricular activity, it would be "you going to be lazy and useless like Lili is?" You can imagine, or remember, countless examples of the same type of thing. "Don't be anything at all like your sister. Don't even LIKE your sister. She's bad."

So what I'm saying is, in some ways we didn't get lucky with genetics and didn't have enough in common with to start with. In another way, dad made sure we wouldn't like each other in any way at all. He also made sure my image of you was constantly negative. Anything bad or negative was associated with you (whether or not it was true you possessed those negative traits), even good things or neutral things (like looking pretty and taking care of yourself was turned into being a slut.) All these things were abusive remarks made about you as well, implying that a child could be 'useless' or 'worthless' or just plain stupid (without acknowledging that you had severe learning disabilities in some subjects and without acknowledging that you were very naturally gifted in social and emotional intelligence which actually gets a person further in life than book and school smarts.)

When I was little I'm sure you remember I had two cabbage patch dolls. One was a regular cabbage patch doll with brown hair and one was a 'preemie' baby doll with blonde hair. I remember beating the everloving shit out of the doll with brown hair who was clearly the older doll. I would yell at it and punch it repeatedly and slam its face into the ground. One time mom asked me why I hurt that one doll so much and I remember telling her just, "Because she's bad." Mom asked, "What did she do?" And I said, "She's just bad and she was always bad." That's how I was trained to think of you, that you were bad and always were bad, were born bad, and nothing good could come out of you. This was quite young, too, probably around age 4-6, and already I 'knew' what your role was according to dad.

It took me years to realize that wasn't true and to get out of that brainwashed state. It got better only in the past few years *after* unfortunately we stopped talking, and I don't even honestly remember why that happened. But anyway, I thought I would tell you why, and tell you that it was NOT your fault. You are not bad. No one is born bad, and you were not a bad person and still aren't. But it felt important for me to tell you that's why. I didn't dislike you for anything other than being trained to dislike you. Anything 'you' was negative. Even playing games with you, watching movies with you, talking to you, or hanging out with you in any way was a punishable offense, even if I was just scolded or reprimanded for it later.

I hope maybe this helps in understanding why I did things I did and why I said things I said. When you think back on those times, I hope it gives you more perspective too (and helps your self esteem which we both have issues with) because maybe it's a side of the story you didn't fully know. Maybe you did know, but I wanted you to know that *I* know it now, and reading your blog has helped me further understand it.

 

After I read this I felt like I had been beaten all over again.... Pain was the only emotion I felt for hours and if I am honest I am still kind of in that place. It is taking a lot for me to process this. I can't help but feel ripped open and raw.

 

Unfortunately or fortunately I didn't know he was doing this.... I knew he hated me, said things of that nature to me about me all of the time. I know abusers love to manipulate people/victims but I really had no idea he was doing this to her. I mean, yes he was doing it to me but he was using her to do it. I thought in my own sick way she was lucky and I was diverting his sick, sadistic abuse to myself solely. I was wrong..... 

 

I never asked my step dad for anything since I knew it was pointless but I did ask for a few things and the one I wanted most was a sister or brother... He used the one thing I wanted most in the world to hurt me. He claimed to love her so much and yet he damaged her by his spiteful, vindictive and sick behavior.

 

I always thought by taking the abuse in a way I was doing good because my sister stayed "golden" for him. Her grades and friends etc were what he wanted....

 

I'm not even sure if I am making sense anymore... All I knew is still the same but all the new information has me questioning so much. How do I take this and process it to where it becomes a part of "the stronger me"...?

 

I told you I believed evil existed and never totally leaves.... I told you I believed the dead aren't truley gone, that you just have to listen.... Well, evil paid me a visit thru my sister (thru no fault of her own) and no worries Pops I fucking heard you loud and clear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But please hear me..... It may take me time to work thru this BULLSHIT you just threw my way... and yes it hurts like hell... I can just imagine the happiness you derived from my tears the past two days... But know that I am stronger than I used to be and in the end YOU WILL NOT BREAK ME!!!! You lose!!!! I will work thru this and use this to be a better person and to help other people as well.... So, yea, You Lose!!!! FUCK YOU!

 

So, now my blog has become more than it was supposed to be... It's going to be about my healing, again... But That's ok... Just like any other journey it has changed....

 

Thank you again to my sister for having the guts to write me that email and for reaching out not to mention allowing me to post it. Thank you to my Mama for her love, support and her encouragement in doing this. I think the best revenge is telling my story, our story... Pops never wanted us to tell anyone what went on behind closed doors. ;)

 

Most importantly thanks to all of you who read and listen to my story and have sent me some of the best emails and have been so supportive!!!!! Not to mention when I hear that my story is helping someone I know what I am doing is right.... My mission has become making sure no woman, child or man ever has to go thru this alone....

 

Love Only....

~LilBitch