The feedback I have been getting from all of you is amazing. Your positivity & encouragement have pushed me when it became extremely difficult to dig in and go back to some very painful times in my life. Writing this blog is allowing me to delve deeper than I have in a very long time. Not to mention it has oddly jumped started my love of writing again. Everyone keeps saying things about writing a book, I think it's becoming more of a possibility.
I've appreciate your words and your candor. Stating that I am good person and deserve only good things after the things I have dealt with really do humble me. So, if I am going to continue writing with honesty and candor then I have to put myself out there with things I've done that I am not too proud of. I have to own my past and what I've done or then I am no better than Ed or Antonio.
In my last post, on Friday, I talked about how emotionally fucked up I was when it came to dating and men. How even before my ex I chose men who were emotionally unavailable because I was such an emotional mess. You can't really be disappointed when you don't have high expectations.
Once I finally cut the physical day to day ties with my ex, for good, I took a few months just to hang out with friends again, be alone without a man and tried to forget. In a way forgetting was good... I didn't want to remember any of it, it was painful and embarrassing. Honestly though it wasn't a good thing.
The saying if you don't remember your past you are doomed to repeat it is true. I found myself gravitating towards emotionally unavailable men and ones that showed some possessive and abusive tendencies. I am not sure how I did it but I found there emotional fortitude to walk away from those men.
I did eventually meet one man who was intelligent, funny, treated me well and he was honest. Oh and he was married. Which in my mind at the time made him a perfect man for me. After Antonio and his abuse, telling me what I could and couldn't do, where I could and couldn't go. The yelling and screaming, verbal and physical abuse he "was" perfect. He couldn't have any overbearing expectations on me because he wasn't "available" to me in a relationship sense.
I have stated before I don't believe in guilt because I feel it is a useless emotion. I live my life by doing my best and trying to make good choices and I fully admit being with a married man was not a good choice by any standard whatsoever. That being said I was so lost and emotionally empty my common sense only saw someone who couldn't control me or hurt me.
So yes, I hate what I did because under normal circumstances cheating/adultery are not who I am in any shape or form.... but I have say that relationship, as it were, helped me. From the beginning he was honest about his life and who he was, what I could expect from him etc... He did what he'd say he'd do and he was good to me. I never felt fear with him. Bottom line, there were no deceptions between us. So, in a totally obscure way that relationship helped me. It showed me my worth again, what I did deserve in a relationship etc... No, it didn't help me heal but it gave me a glimpse into what I could and did deserve. So, I really can't say I regret it. I could make excuses but it is what it is.
After the end of that relationship I dated here and there but nothing long term. I was still not processing the after affects of my ex or my step dad which in turn kept me very cautious and not too trusting of men/dating in general. I spent time with my friends, going out far more than I ever had before going to school and living my life on my terms. All of the things I never did because of my ex.
Now, to show how much of a dichotomy I truly was and still am, to a certain extent, I actually feel more comfortable with male friends. I always have. I had/have female friends but they tend to be like me and feel more comfortable with having men as friends as well. I don't really know what that means but the men I was (and still am) friends with are good guys. I felt safe with them, they were nothing like my step dad or Antonio. They treated me like one of the guys, kinda but they always took care with me.
One of these friends I'd hang out with on and off, for years, at parties or out and about with our group. (Since we haven't spoken in awhile and he doesn't know I writing about my life I'll be calling him Billy.) I don't know any other way to explain Billy but to say he was a free spirited dreamer who could bullshit with the best of them and then turn to me during a conversation and quote Shakespeare. We had an easy friendship... he was funny with a dry sense of humor, smart as hell and extremely artistic. We could sit and talk for hours about anything and everything. We flirted and we teased each other.... It was different then with the other guys. He sparked something in me that no man in my adult life ever had. I don't know how else to explain it... I just could be myself with him.
Billy and I went on like this for a few years. Him being around here and there. When we saw each other we'd talk, catch up and joke around... and as always flirt. Then I wouldn't see him again for awhile. It's funny to me that I was always so aware of him when he was around but it took someone else to point out that he was starting to come around more often. Intimating I was the reason for it. Which I denied.... I still felt beat up on the inside and well... I just didn't believe it. We were friends...
That's not to say I wasn't happy he was around more because I really loved being around him. If it was sitting and talking with him while he was working on a car or out at a club/bar I always enjoyed being with him. Like I said even if my mind was slow to catch up he did spark something in me.
So.... One night a bunch of us were out at some bar and Billy was playing pool and as usual we were flirting etc... When he went to go and get me another drink, a girl, who hadn't been out much with us before asked me if he and I were together..?? Wait what??? I said no... I mean he and I were friends, only... right? He was the exact opposite of every man I ever dated. Long dark hair, jeans and t's... not a suit in sight. Most importantly we were just friends. Needless to say I started thinking about him and I and how we acted together, about what some people said about him coming around more etc etc...
Thinking but not acting on anything.... I didn't want to rock the boat... Until..... A week or so later the same girl who asked if we were together told me how sweet he was when she twisted her ankle blah blah blah and yes I saw GREEN! Pretty cliche but..... All of a sudden I was "really thinking" and what I was thinking was there was no way in hell she was going to get him. If anyone was it was going to be me. Kismet, cosmic or fate... who knows but things changed after that.
I don't know how to define our relationship I mean, were we dating, yes. Were we "together", yes. Did I believe it would last forever... No and that became extremely clear after a few months. See Billy was, like a said, a free spirited dreamer. He had so many ideas of what he wanted to do and where he wanted to go. His future was wide open. He had a beautiful case of wanderlust... Deep down, so did I.
We'd often talk about what we both wanted out of life and where we wanted to be. When I in passing talked of my wish to leave NJ (he knew my past more than most) he encouraged me to follow my gut. Anything and everything to him were possible even if they really weren't. From drunken talks of opening a biker bar to, my all time favorite, Kosher shellfish. No, seriously!! In the end I knew exactly what I could expect from him and him from me. We never talked about how damaged I was from my past but I knew he was aware and he never expected me to rip the wound open for him. He was who he was and I was who I was.
All in all it worked, for awhile... Until....I got pregnant... I think I could have bought stock in EPT. I bought box after box... boxes with two tests in each. I took them in the morning and took them at night. Each and every one of them came up positive... each one scared the hell out of me more and more. By this time in my life I came to the realization I wanted out of NJ (for my safety and sanity.) My ex was still stalking, quietly and being around my Mother had become so painful. Her drinking had taken on a life of it's own and it hurt to watch. I also realized that my pattern of behavior, out all the time etc wasn't conducive to me being even remotely healthy.
A baby....???? A baby!!!! Me and a baby....???? Me, Billy and a baby....???? I didn't know what to do. I know it sounds ridiculous but I really didn't. I didn't tell Billy and well I just put it out of my mind... well as much as you can. Just like when things at home or later with my ex got bad... I just tried to block it out.... Yea, not the most adult, 26 yr old way of handling it but....
Then my best guy friends girlfriend suspected, since I was the walking cliche for all day morning sickness, and I admitted it to her and promptly swore her to secrecy. I needed time to think. I still didn't tell Billy... I was holding on to a huge secret and it affected Billy and I.
Things were weird with us, I was freaking out because I couldn't decide if I wanted the baby or not, never mind anything else. Everything seemed surreal... I wasn't sure I ever wanted kids and now I'm facing a tremendous decision that doesn't just affect me but Billy and if I keep it a child.
I started thinking about how great my adoption went. My birth mother assumed I'd go to live happily ever after and that sure as hell didn't happen... so I sure as hell wasn't giving my child away.... But could I keep it? Could we keep it?
Mid December rolled around and I still hadn't told Billy and I hadn't made a decision of what I was going to do either way and time was running out. I was playing at being fine and to be honest doing a shit job of it. I was still going out etc... It's amazing how one phone call inadvertently changed things and put things in motion.
Late one afternoon I got a call that a good friend of ours father had passed away very suddenly. Billy and I were not really avoiding each other but by then but things definitely weren't good. I remember going to the bar we all hung out at and picking up a few people to go to the wake, we went in and paid our respects, talked with my friend, his Mom & family. All of a sudden the door opened and in walked Billy. After he paid his respects he and I and a few others went outside to smoke & talk. Billy pulled me slightly aside and asked if I was ok..? I told him I had something I had to talk to him about. He just looked into my eyes and gave me a chin lift, nothing more.
After a bit we decided to leave and go back to the bar. Have a semblance of a wake of our own, I suppose. As we all started walking towards our cars, Billy said he wouldn't be coming and started walking towards his car. I can remember standing in the middle of the street, it was so cold, just watching him walk away. I looked at my best friend and his girl for a split second and then turned to get into my car. (By this time they both knew what was going on and were both sworn to secrecy.) All of a sudden I heard Billy call my name... I turned back towards him as he was saying "What did you need to talk to me about?" I wanted to tell him... I just couldn't get the words out... As I was turning back towards my car I said "No worries, It'll keep".
That night in the bar I sat for hours and talked and talked and talked... I went over every reason why I shouldn't have it... I wasn't exactly living extremely healthy at the time, unsure if financially I could do it alone since my Mother had her own issues at the time which made asking for her help a no go. Then I went over every reason I should... there weren't many. I finally made my decision... I wasn't going to have the baby. My friend would pick me up in the morning and then I'd stay with her and her man thru the weekend so I could just chill and not have to answer questions. And finally I decided that I would never tell Billy about the baby and I never did. Now that I think of it that could be the one thing I actually do feel guilty about.
If you don't believe in fate that's fine but I do... and it wasn't more apparent then that next morning. I woke up before the sun even come up with the worst pains in my stomach, cramps like I'd never experienced before. I rolled out of bed and saw blood all over my sheets and me. I quickly made it to my bathroom, turned on the light, started running the shower and stripped of my pj's and I was crying.
I believe in fate because I feel as though I was given that opportunity to make a decision. To really think about what I wanted for my life and out of my life. It was the first time in a long time I really thought about what I wanted and needed. I don't think I would have started to change my life in doing things like moving to TX etc if I hadn't had to make that decision.
Oddly enough when the time came to put up or shut up about moving Billy told me he thought I deserved a chance to get out and find myself. He told me if I stayed I'd just continue on and he knew I wanted more for me and so did he. So, I left NJ in February of 2001, never having told Billy about the baby.
Now I know you are probably wondering why I told you this story from my past. Because fate came and this time bit me in the ass. Flash forward a few years and for reasons I'll get into later I came back to NJ.
One night I went out with a guy friend of mine, Mike, and he took me out to see a few of his friends and just have a few drinks at a bar in town. As we were driving there I was thinking about the fact the town we were going to was where Billy lived... Then when we went to pick up his friend I thought I was losing my mind because he looked an awful lot like a friend of Billy's I knew from way back when... but the real shock..??? Who do I see as soon as I walk into the bar... Yep, Billy.
We all laughed about what a small world it was etc... I sat next to Billy and we talked etc just like we used to. I really was happy to see him. He still could light that spark in me.
When Mike went to the restroom Billy leaned in close to me, said my name to get my full attention and looked me straight in the eyes. The words he spoke stopped my heart... "I would have been a good father." I swear the room went silent and I started to shake. I felt like crying and laughing hysterically... all I could say was that I was sorry. He told me it hurt I didn't tell him...
But this is how I know he was and is a good guy, it turns out my best friend and he were hanging out drinking some beers and well my friend inadvertently told him, two years prior. He knew where I was he could have called, yelled and screamed but he never did. Even that night it really wasn't that he was mad at me. He said he understood but he was hurt... To this day I still can hear him say "I would have been a good father."
So.... I may be strong/er now, I may be a good person with a good heart and all of those nice things you all say but I have things I've done that I am not proud of... people that I've hurt. I own those things because I refuse to excuse them because of my past. I guess what I am trying to say is we are all human and we all make mistakes. Even so, we are still good people, we are just flawed. Flawed is ok....
I know I wrote a helluva lot tonight... but I hope it gives you all a better glimpse of me.
Til tomorrow...
~LilBitch
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