I'm not sure where we're going tonight.... I have so many things running thru my mind all at once. I hear stories from other women and I am instantly brought back to a certain place in time which then has me going in another direction. So, in essence, I think of one thing and then it moves into something else. My thoughts and feelings are so close to the surface right now I am pretty much all over the place.
Maybe that's how this is supposed to go..?? I doubt there is a rule book on blogging my fucked up life story. Well, other than the rules I gave myself at the beginning of this.... Them being, I wouldn't use any one's names without permission or because of a threat to myself and that I would write only the truth, unfiltered... I'm not changing and of that...
Last night I had to stop writing because I felt myself falling into a dark and ugly place that I've been successfully staying out of for a long time. I try not to think about those times where I went to the "black, dark place of nothing." But how can I tell you my story, and for some, our story, if I don't go there...? So, after I logged off I allowed my mind to wander there, I had to feel it again because I didn't really "feel" it back then. Once I left the "dark place" I felt the pain, and as sick as that sounds, well that made me know I was still alive...
There's a song, Pain by Three Days Grace, that has a line that says " 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all." Pain, in reality, is what I survived on. It really was the only honest and healthy emotion I had at that time. Like I said, even after everything my ex did to me I still could lay there and consider what he said as the truth. I convinced myself he was good to me, for me and he loved me. That I really didn't have anything to cry about.
Why??? Because he said so. I looked at my life and it was, on the outside, really good. Nice things, a nice place, I didn't have to work, I didn't have to make any decisions on anything.... Here it is again... it looked "perfect". I grew up with if it looks perfect than it obviously is perfect. Demented is more like it....
Before Antonio I had dreams and hopes, ideas of who and what I wanted to be. Somewhere I lost every dream, hope and desire I had. He controlled everything... who I was friends with, what I did, where and when I went somewhere. From going out with my Mama to going to the doctor, in my mind he knew what was best for me... So him making the decisions or asking questions made sense.
It happened so slowly and stealthily I didn't realize it was even happening. In all honesty at first it was nice to feel "cared" for and worried about. Now I look back and can see the way he maneuvered things so I only saw things one way while it really was the exact opposite. When things started to turn and I was absolutely controlled and handled by him it became my job/life to make sure things were how he wanted them. Which in turn became me doing my best to keep him from getting angry and taking it out on me.... verbally or otherwise.
That was my job.... I mean seriously, it was my mission in life to keep the peace... To constantly walk on eggshells and hope for the best. It very rarely worked. I still did something wrong or said something wrong etc etc... All the while that tiny little voice was still screaming in my head, quietly. The trick was getting to a place where it didn't scream quietly anymore....
I guess that's what's on my mind the most tonight.... How did I go thru the shit with my step dad and walk, (hell no...) I ran right to the man who continued my hell... I still don't know how... Maybe I never will... You know what's crazy though??? I can see it happening to other women.... I always have.... I did when I was younger and even now I see it happening and yet I couldn't see it for myself.
If your wondering, yes I still fight the emotional of all of this. Pain is an emotion I can live off of even still. I can feed off pain in a way that sounds ridiculous but now I know I can pull thru. It's a test of myself in a way. I didn't say it was healthy because I know it's not... but when the chips are down and someone is suffering or the drama picks up in my life or when my past comes back to me with a vengeance something switches on...
I don't know if that'll ever go away. It is a part of me... Sick but true pain was always with me and I understand it. It isn't just an emotion to me it's a thing, it's tangible. There is something different about me now, though... I have more than just pain (physical & emotional) in my life. I have joy, love, acceptance, happiness... yes there is sadness, fear at times and pain and anger but I got some of the good stuff too. That's a pretty amazing thing to me... my 23 year old self didn't even think she'd make it to 25 and here I am at 38 and guess what??? My life isn't perfect... I'm not perfect, no one is... At 23 I was alone... at 38 I'm not. So I'll take 38, not alone and not perfect over 23, alone & in a constant state of fear and pain.
But I still have to let myself go back and feel the pain... If not then I haven't really come that far and I have so much further to go... So, yea... I'll feel the pain cause fuck the bastard, I'm alive.............!
Ok, my Bitches... I think I made some sense in a round about way tonight... I hope..???
Love Ya...
~LilBitch
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