The tiny voice in my head was silently screaming...

For obvious reasons I've been inside my head a lot lately. I'm literally going thru my past piece by piece and it's intimidating. I have had some serious moments of self doubt. My life is my story and I chose to tell my story... that being said I can't help but wonder if people's perceptions of me would change, for better or worse.?.? Obviously, so far, none of my posts have been sunshine and roses therefore I wouldn't and more than likely I am expecting a shift in peoples feelings.

I struggled a very long time to get to a place where I don't care what people think of me... (for the most part) I mean I am LilBitch and I am proud of it!! But there is still a little, tiny part of me that worries or cares. I guess it's something I still have to work on and to be honest I hate admitting that. I am learning I have a lot further to go in the whole healing process.

While my step dad put me down and tore me down all Antonio had to do was shred anything that was left. For some insane reason there was a small part of me that cared what they both thought of me while the tiny voice in my head, that was silently screaming, was never vocalized. The only time I let any of it out was late at night. I'd wait for Antonio to fall in to a deep sleep and I'd sneak out of bed,  go to the farthest corner of the bedroom and cry, silently.

One time he woke up when I was curled up, crying in the corner and just sat and stared at me. I'm not sure for how long, it seemed forever, and then he silently got up and walked towards me. He leaned over me,  grabbed my arm and drug me back to bed. He threw me down and laid down on top of me and smirked... his eyes were cold and he just smirked. He made a joke of my crying and said I was a stupid bitch... The tiny voice was still silently screamed... He said that I had nothing to cry about, I was his.... Then I just turned my mind off, went blank and waited for it to be over.

Later I remember laying where he left me wondering if he was right...??? I was in a nice apartment, I didn't have to work... Was it really that bad??? I was beyond lost at that point.



I'm sorry... I'm gonna finish this up tomorrow. I'm not doing to well with this trip down memory lane tonight. I apologize.

Bye for now my Bitches....
~LilBitch