There are so many things I don't understand in life, as a whole, but there are a few things I am pretty certain of... *No matter what, time is never on your side, *I find it is impossible to let go of all the pain I have experienced (If you forget it aren't you allowing the possibility to repeat the actions that brought you there in the first place?.?) Which rolls into my other belief... *Events in your life shape you but it is your choices made from them that direct the path you take. You choose to do right or wrong, make excuses, repeat patterns etc...
Now I know some people will disagree or think it sounds pessimistic etc but haven't we always been taught that we must learn from both the good and the bad that occurs in our lives? I don't see it as being pessimistic but being realistic. I may not have done well with many choices in my past and I've tried to make better choices as I've grown older and moved out from under both my abusers. I believe in the statement and try to live it's sentiment... Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. Ok, so it's isn't the direct quote but I think you get what I'm saying.
I remember being really young and watching my Mom and Step Dad interact. I knew it was uncomfortable a lot of times and scary a lot of times but it was what I saw, knew & learned of marriage. I can so clearly remember my confusion once I was old enough to see my friends parents together and how their dynamic was so different than my parents. It insulated me even more and also pushed me to put that "perfect" facade up more and more. As kids we have enough trouble trying to figure out who we are and what we want to be. If you come from a dysfunctional family, like I did, it is so hard to make good choices and decisions about who you want to be.
Chaos does beget chaos... I'm a living example of that. My Mama married Ed in June of 1979... It is October 2012 and I am still trying to deal with and heal from my years in that house. I was shaped by those events in my life (my step dad, my Mom's alcoholism) and I fell right into bad decision making and ended up in a chaotic dysfunctional relationship just like my Mom. Minus the alcoholism....
I've just been thinking a lot about what each of my choices meant to my life.... I know why I did what I did and why I became who I did. Well, now I do but then everything just seemed to happen in a pre-destined way. Even though I was making the choices that led me there.
I still struggle with that. I can never get that time in my life back... Once time it's gone... it's gone... and until I pulled myself out of the hell I was in I lost years... Years filled with pain and fear and self doubt. When you are in something like that you don't live, you exist, not feeling or experiencing life. In the end you "live" only to survive.
I have to live with the choices I made and own them... My step dad, my ex and even my Mom made their choices and they dealt with them in their way. My Mom is amazing, she's sober for 3 years and we've always been close. We fought to survive together in a lot of ways and I can forgive what she did because she was doing what she could in order to survive. She inspires me and bottom line I love her and she loves me... I never doubted that.
As for my step dad he asked me for absolution the day before he died and I denied him. It wasn't and isn't my job to do that. I was so angry at him for that. The man who held God and church so fiercely in the face of death finally realized he'd done wrong..?? Or who knows but.... all I could do and still do is make my peace with it alittle at a time. Like I said I am still dealing with the fallout and healing, slowly but I'm working at it.
My ex is an entirely different story. There were never any apologies or asking for forgiveness aside from the token ones he gave after he hurt me. The final time I saw him I ran like hell... I made a mistake in judgement and almost paid dearly.... I've lived in a semblance of fear ever since... I google him so I know where he is, even. I have panic attacks when I think I see him and I'm 2000 + miles from New Jersey. The thought of going back to NJ for my 20 yr HS reunion brought on a panic attack. Sick but true he still controls my life in a way.
So.... Events in your life shape you. You in turn make choices based upon them, for the rest of your life.... I'm still struggling with the choices I made and trying to make good ones now. Yea, Choices suck a lot of the time but I think I am finally making the right ones.
That's all for now my bitches... Love ya!
~LilBitch
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