I am angry today... I keep thinking about stupid shit... Things I had no control over and things I did have control over... I am becoming consumed with my past... Some is good stuff and some is dark & ugly. What does it say about a person when they have had more dark & ugly than good in their life??
The logical side of me knows I am a survivor, that I made it thru some really fucked up stuff... I know that by going thru a bunch of fucked up memories and experiences I'm dredging up all the feelings that went along with it. I also know that me being sick and rundown isn't exactly helping my frame of mind. I know it but it doesn't mean I have to like it, any of it.
So, yea, I'm angry. I'm angry at myself... I'm angry at my my parents... I'm angry at my sister... I'm angry at my ex.... Hell I'm even angry at my birth parents... Atleast I'm not one of those people who doesn't admit to being angry with themselves. I've never understood that. I mean you are culpable in your life... not just others, for what has happened. How can you not own your fucked-up-ed-ness??? Maybe I understand that more than others because I grew up in the house I did with the parents I did. One who was an alcoholic and one who was a dry drunk.
You know what's funny? My step dad was riddled with cancer and even then he never owned his fucked up bs. My Mom finally saved herself and has been sober 3 yrs. She owns her past and what she did and didn't do. Funny how the drunk is a sober and healthy person and the dry drunk withered away to nothing and never took ownership of his bs before he died. He just wanted blanket absolution (from me, I never asked my Mom what he wanted from her.) and then he left us with all the crap.
I didn't give him the absolution he wanted and no, I don't feel bad about it. Like I said, guilt is a useless emotion, just because he felt a sense of guilt before his death didn't mean anything to me. Granny always said if you lived a good life then really didn't need to ask for forgiveness. He didn't live a good life, not my fault, therefore not my job to forgive him. His demons were his own.... for a long time his demons caused him to torture me. Once he died the only demons I had to fight were my own.
I may have come a long way but I'm still fighting my own demons. I have to work harder than I let on to stay on course. It would be so easy to fall into the darkness... as sick as it sounds I am quite comfortable there. When nothing else made sense or hurt too much the darkness was my security. Sometimes I allow myself to slip into it, like after I got that email from my sister a couple of weeks ago. I allowed myself a day to cry and "sit" in the darkness but it took me two days to fully recover. Even still I needed the darkness for alittle while. I'm sure my former shrink wouldn't be happy and would probably say something about regressing but in the end I began working thru some seriously hurtful/painful things. So I don't see it as regression but as a good thing.
I used to think that one of my issues was that I didn't "feel" enough but the truth is I "feel" too much and it's because of that I was so comfortable in the "darkness". I don't only "feel" my own problems etc... but I "feel" other peoples problems and issues around me. Empathy.... I'm very empathetic. A great quality to have but it sucks when you feel too much especially when what you have been feeling most your life is not happy or good. Like I've said before for the most part I attract people who have dysfunction in their lives as well so can you blame me for being in the "darkness" as much as I was?
It took a long time to get to a relatively good place in my life and be comfortable out of the "darkness" and I still am working on it. I try to be a good wife, daughter and friend. I know I don't always succeed... but I try. I pull away from people when things get too much for me because it's what I've always done. I still have trouble being a part of a family because I seriously don't understand it... but I try. I feel totally removed from people who are what is perceived as "normal", who didn't come from dysfunction. I'm pretty good at covering it up and doubt they really know it. I can talk to anyone about anything and all the while in my head I am wondering what they'd think if they really knew "who" I was.
Up until a few years ago and now with this blog people really didn't know me. I still was the keeper of the secrets, the one who had everything covered while I played down the bad and played up the good, well what good there was. I allow more people in now and I don't flinch as much as I used to when I do let them in. The one thing I have kept from my past is my "I don't care if you like me or not" attitude. I say what I mean and mean what I say, if you don't like that or me or whatever that's on you, not me. That's one thing that'll never change about me... I realize, now, that my step dad and my ex both tried to beat that out of me and it took me alittle while to get there and I realize they didn't. They just pushed it down.
Sometimes I forget how far I've come and then the anger comes. Today was one of those days. Writing today gave me the opportunity to slow down my mind and remember how far I've come and be ok with knowing I have further to go. This really has become a journey of healing but self discovery as well. Sometimes I have to take a step back and remember the road may change but the journey never ends.
More to come but for now I'm done.
~LilBitch
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