Before I start tonight I want to apologize... I'm sorry I haven't written in awhile but it took me alittle longer to get back into the swing of things after being so sick. Slowly but surely I am getting everything back to normal. I hope nobody thought I forgot about them or that I wasn't writing anymore.... Not happening... I need this and in a way love it too much!
Now, as you have probably guessed I'm going to be writing about my Mom tonight. Our relationship is definitely the most important relationship I have... maybe ever had. I've learned so many things from her (good & bad), we've been thru things others will never understand, our lives have run parallel in more ways than one and somehow we've always had a strong bond, no matter what. Tomorrow night we will be celebrating her being sober 3 years... 3 years!!!! It's the longest she has ever been sober and I feel blessed to be her daughter and can celebrate this with her.
I guess I have to start at the beginning... As I have said my Mama couldn't have children so she and my Dad adopted me when I was a day old. They brought me home and my Mom had every hope that life would be better. Her and my fathers family had no love lost between them, her side of the family wasn't close either (except for my Granny) so her dream was her, my dad and me... family of her own.
Not long after my father got sick with Alzheimer's and everything changed. Her dreams never were realized and life never was the same. My Mom always drank, socially at first and then it just grew and grew and grew.... By the time my dad had died and she remarried, my step dad, her addiction to alcohol was in place.
There are so many things I don't remember with crystal clear clarity but I do remember being 3 or 4 and my Granny telling me if I ever saw my Mama drinking anything from the big bottles (scotch etc) along with pills from a bottle like this (she showed me the bottle) to come and get her. That Mama didn't act like herself when she did and she could hurt herself... I remember my Mama yelling at my Granny about that... she was so angry. What she didn't realize was that by my Granny telling me that from a young age I realized that alcohol and her drinking too much was the cause for her being a mess at times, losing her shit, saying things that she normally wouldn't etc... I knew what addiction was before I could spell it but more importantly I realized it was a disease.
Now I know a lot of people are saying no child should have to deal with that etc and you are right. In a perfect world no child should have an alcoholic mother and a dickhead abusive step dad. In a perfect world neither of my parental figures would have been drunks (contrary to popular belief my step dad was a drunk, what they call in rehab a dry drunk, he didn't drink to excess often but showed the symptoms of a full blown alcoholic and when he did drink in excess watch the fuck out!) If I lived in a perfect world I wouldn't have had to worry about my safety and well being along with my baby sister's. So I guess you could say I learned a lot earlier than most people that life isn't fair and by no means is it perfect.
I don't want it to sound like that I always forgave my Mom or I looked the other way or even was ok with her struggle with alcoholism. I wasn't... I got mad and angry... I screamed and yelled and fought with her. Many more times than I can count I cried.... I always loved my Mama but I hated her disease... I hated who she became, the things she said and did... the things she didn't do. I hated being responsible when I was so young because she couldn't be... I hated not being comfortable having friends over... I hated the fear most of all.
I was always afraid. I was afraid she kill herself, or that someone would know what was going on in our house. I was afraid my step dad would freak out and I'd catch hell because I didn't do what I was supposed to do... As far as he was concerned I was supposed to "handle" my mother, take care of my sister and keep the secrets.
My life was ruled for so long by fear and secrets. I was a child from a home that was abusive and sick and it was ugly. I did a pretty good job of covering and lying, no one really knew. I remember once when I was 15 or so and I was sleeping over at a friends house and actually talked about some of the stuff that was going on in my family and my friend looked at me with a look of shock and said to me "Lil I thought you didn't have any problems. You never say anything is wrong." Also when I was out of HS, someone I knew since kindergarten was at my house one night and actually saw my Mom acting the fool while she was drunk and he was totally shocked that he never knew my Mom was a drunk. Even if my step dad said I didn't do anything right apparently I followed some directions well... I kept the secrets of our dysfunctional family very well.
I struggle to explain to people my relationship with my Mom. I know how so many people look at alcoholics and addicts and I don't want anyone to speak against her or hate her... I know what she was and still is but I also have watched her scratch and claw her way out of the abyss of alcohol. I by no means think what she did was right or good... Not to mention she totally owns her past and has done her best to make amends for what she did. She is doing her best to live the life she always wanted for herself. How could I hold that against her.
My Mom by no means had it easy... her life from the time she was young had many things happen that should never have happened to a child. I won't tell the instances etc because that's her story and not mine to tell. I will say that between her struggle and my own struggle we have done our best to break the cycle of the abuse that we both individually and together went thru. We both still struggle and obviously are still working thru things but we are doing it.
3 years ago I came home to a mother who had just totalled her car and 2 others while driving drunk. When I spoke to her about it she tried, like usual, to push it off... make it seem less awful than it was. Then she broke my heart... She told me "Every night I go to bed and pray that I won't wake up in the morning." I immediately started crying.... felt sick and cold down to my bones... all I said to her was "Do you love me???" She looked startled by my question. "do you love me?????????" I asked again, she just took a deep breath. I was so scared... I told her if she loved me she would never pray to not wake in the morning... Right then I realized how much I did love my Mom and that I would love her enough til she could love herself. In the next few days I kept at her and made it clear that she needed help... Not for me or for anyone but herself. She finally took the step to ask for help. 3 years later I have my Mom... Happy, goofy, silly and relatively healthy.
My Mom and I don't have the normal Mom and daughter relationship. We've been thru so much together, I've finally come clean about my past with my ex with her and lots of other things I kept from her out of fear. We are open and honest with one another... She is my rock, my champion and my best friend. I do my best to make sure she knows how important she is to me.
She has asked me to introduce her tonight at her 3 year AA Bday and I am honored that she asked me. I am so thankful she is sober, happy and in such a good place. I am also thankful for the relationship we have now but also for the relationship we have always had. Yes, it was messy and dysfunctional. It wasn't perfect or pretty but deep down no matter how bad things got I always knew she loved me, that she was doing the best she could while she was battling her demons. I guess I understand that more than most especially now... I've battled my own demons and continue to battle them. I am a survivor, just like my Mama.
I love you Mama!!!!!!!
I think this is good enough for now... ;)
~LilBitch
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