I've always had nightmares, night terrors when I was a young child to vivid dreams and nightmares (to this day.) Ever since I've been blogging about my ex and our relationship, the memories I'd rather forget, have come back with a vengeance and so has the dreams/nightmares. I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to figure out why.
I still check at least once a month to see where he is living and working. It makes me feel safe knowing where he is. I have no doubt he knows where I am as well. I don't hide my life for his benefit... I guess it is one thing I can push in his face, from a safe distance, to show him I survived... I'm still here. He didn't break me he only fractured me.
I still admit to a very healthy fear of him and I have had more than one panic attack when I thought I saw him. Just a few weeks ago I was positive I saw him in a SUV parked next to mine and I lost it. Shaking, cold sweats, tears and hyperventilation. I drove to a business I frequent, in the opposite direction of my house, called my husband and wouldn't go home til he was there. Then I wouldn't walk into my house until my husband walked me inside. Logically the 2000+ miles I am from him makes seeing him a pretty big impossibility but my learned reactions and fear kicked in and logic meant nothing. Needless to say, my gun wasn't out of my reach for a few days after that.
There were a few things that gave me the impetuous to examine my life and start the my journey with my blog and group page but that day with the panic attack and sitting with my gun, afraid to leave my house... I'd have to say that was the most significant.
Fear really is an interesting emotion... It can take anyone down to their knees (if they are honest), bring them back to a dark place and remind you of life altering things. Fear in is a complex emotion that can bring on a myriad of other emotions in it's wake. It seems so much of my life has been a mix of pain and fear... my dreams have always followed in that path.
Last night I was talking with a friend about the last time I was in the presence of my ex and what happened. I got a bit shaky, just a little teary and I felt the fear. Last night I dreamt about it in crystal clear detail and woke up with the adrenaline charge you feel in your heart... where you can taste it even.
Even with the amount of times that has past I still remember that night and what happened so clearly, like it was yesterday. I can remember how cold it was outside, the smells, the dimmed lighting in the apartment and the surety I was going to die. I remember everything. This is one story I am not bypassing or glossing over. This is the story I have to tell in it's entirety not just because of what happened, what it did to me, still but because I know for a fact I'm not the only one that this has happened to. Not exactly the same or even as bad but I need to validate this for me and for others.
I can't tell you what it was exactly or if someone finally got thru to me but somehow I got the courage to leave Antonio. Naive as I was I absolutely believed it was over. That I had nothing left to fear of him. He knew how I felt and why I was leaving etc... He plead a good case for himself telling me how sorry he was, he'd try harder, we'd go and talk with someone. How his upbringing was so messed up he was a product of that... Blah, blah, blah... The usual statements and platitudes, the difference was that this time they didn't sway me, I was leaving!
I felt, what I now know was a false sense of safety. His periodic calls just to see how I was weren't seen as him checking up on me but him being friendly. His interest in me and my family and friends was just him being nice. In actuality it was him softening me up.
It was a day before New Years Eve and we had been apart for just about two months and aside from some phone calls he had made no overtures that placed fear in me. I was doing ok, even though I was back in the hell of my family home, and trying to figure out what was next for my life. I had even gone on a few dates and had one for New Years Eve. When he called the day before New Years Eve I expected the usual call but he asked me if I was free for New Years and if I wanted to go to dinner with him. I asked him why he didn't have plans with friends, stupid question but for the life of me I was lost. I mean in my mind we were broken up, right? So we didn't go out for New Years, right?
Anyhow, he went on to tell me how his Mom was away visiting his sister since Christmas and everyone had plans. He had been all alone for the holidays, he had the holiday blahs and was wondering if we could have a friendly New Years Eve? Right there the warning bells should have started going off but... I told him I was sorry he was feeling that way... and then I did one of the most stupid things I may have ever done... I told him I had a date for New Years Eve. Looking back on it I can say I felt a shift in him at that moment but it was so slight I didn't notice it at the time. He told me he hoped I had a good time and that was that. We hung up and for the most part I forgot about it.
I did go out on New Years Eve and I remembering making a wish at midnight. I wished that I'd find my place in the world and hopefully someone to share it with. Simple and straightforward... I just wanted to move on and keep moving forward.
New Years Day I planned just vegging out and relaxing. I remember when the phone rang around 4pm that afternoon being in my flannel pj's, in bed and reading. I had a momentary thought to not answer the phone and just keep reading but I ended up answering. I should have listened to my sixth sense.
Antonio was on the phone and immediately wished me a Happy New Year. I said the same to him and we chatted for a few minutes before he asked about my date and if I had any plans that night. I asked him why and he said he'd hoped we could go to dinner. He wanted to show me he was a good man and make amends for the pain he caused me. Yet again the alarms bells in my head were on mute. After hemming and hawing for a few minutes and him telling me how much his holidays had been a disappointment I agreed, with stipulations. I would drive there and ring up for him and then we'd walk to a restaurant that was right around the corner. He agreed.
I was stupid, I know it, now. As soon as I hung up the phone I had a fleeting thought of "WTF did I just agree to?" In the end I pushed it aside and I went and got in the shower. Later as I was about to leave, My Mom asked what I was up to and stupid move 2 or 3, depending upon how you are counting, all I said was "going out to dinner." Kiss on the cheek, an I love you and I was the door.
As I walked to my car I remember looking at my breath puff in the cold, wondering if it was going to snow again and shaking from the cold a little bit. I remember the drive, going over the Pulaski Skyway and singing along to the radio at the top of my lungs. I always fought with alternate side of the street parking or finding a close parking space to the brownstone when I was there on a daily basis but that night I was lucky and got a space right out front. Luck was one thing that I may not have put a lot of stock in but that night it would become the one thing that saved me.
Once I parked I did as I said I would and I rang up to the apartment. When he answered he sounded a bit flustered and told me he was running behind. Got caught up in a game, "why don't you just come up while I finish getting ready?" I hesitated and he said "come on it'll just be a few minutes." As soon as I pulled the handle of the door when he buzzed me up I remember thinking how weird it was not having keys anymore. Then I made the fateful trip up to the apartment.
As soon as Antonio opened the door I instantly knew something was wrong. I felt fear from him for the first time since I left, felt it in my bones. I should have turned around and left but I didn't. I walked right into the proverbial Lions Den. All of the lights were dim and he had candles burning. The TV was on but it was on low and he was even close to being dressed to go out. He had what I always called his "in for the night" clothes on. A v-neck white tshirt and sleep pants on which I jokingly made a comment about and he just shrugged.
He asked for my coat and I told him I'd keep it on since I was still chilly, besides we were leaving in a few minutes for dinner. He told me he wanted to sit, relax and talk for a bit. Alarm bells were going off but I just stood there. I remember thinking, again, of just turning around and just leaving but instead for whatever reason I dropped my purse on the couch close to the door, not where I usually put my purse and then walked around the far end of the couch, furthest from him and sat down. I squeezed myself in the corner and he jokes about how I looked like I was afraid of him and like I was thinking of bolting.
Antonio was always a very controlled man. It was always a palatable feeling when you were around him. This night it was like a coil that snaked out and gripped me. I distinctly remember concentrating on my breathing and stamping down my fear. At this point I was no longer in la la land, doing something nice for someone. I really was just waiting for his move. I felt his control and saw him calculating his moves. His eyes had that coldness to them I knew far too well. For the most part I knew what was coming..... I was waiting for his first strike.
I felt incredibly stupid and terrified. I was trying to think of how I was going to get out of there all the while knowing no one knew where I was or who I was with. No one even knew he had been calling me periodically. As far as everyone was concerned he was no longer in my life. I had the off-handed thought of how anyone would ever find me.
Thru our whole relationship and all the abuse I had felt fear and pain but this was the first time I really and truly down to my bones thought I might die.... and he hadn't even made a move near me. He started talking to me and I guess I heard enough of it to give intelligent answers but I really don't know what he was saying. I also noticed by this point he was moving towards me at first I thought maybe I was seeing this because it was just a tiny bit at a time. Then he was almost next to me and that's when I flinched. He told me I had no reason to fear him and he moved right next to me.
I was instantly trapped, partly by the couch and partly by him. I remember feeling like my heart stopped and then started beating so hard I was sure it was going to explode. He was saying things like how much he missed me, how he was so sorry, how much he loved me and he needed me. He couldn't stand the idea of me with anyone but him. I chose that moment to look into his eyes and they were black... souless and cold.
I remember I started saying things like how since he wasn't ready to go out we could have a rain check... I said I accepted his apology and let's just forget it... and then I tried to get up from the couch. He didn't say a word he just leaned into and then over me, pushing me into the arm of the sofa. The next second I was aware he was kissing me and I was struggling so hard to free myself.
I didn't go to the dark place this time it was like I could see everything that was happening from outside of myself. I could see I was crying and begging him to stop.. I saw his one hand holding my wrists together while his other was unzipping my leather jacket. I saw his hand sliding under my sweater and pushing it up and over my bra and him pulling my bra down and under my breasts. I saw the marks he was leaving on my breasts with his hands and then his mouth... I was crying so hard I couldn't scream and all I kept thinking was scream, yell, do something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got my moment when he leaned back alittle to admired the marks he put on me... Somehow I was able to get my wrists free and I pushed him hard enough for him to be knocked back... I was crying and still pushing at him, trying to get myself out from under him. All the while he kept saying was how much he loved me and he knew I wanted this. He knew we were supposed to be together and I would too, again, if I just let him show me. When I told him I'd never want this again and he was wrong I didn't love him he went gone was the calm controlled man and he became insane. Grabbing, pulling, smacking, and hitting me....
To this day I don't know how I did it but I was able to get up from under him and off the couch... He kept pulling at me but I made it around the couch. He pulled at me so hard I spun around and was facing him, his arms so tight around me I couldn't move my arms. I felt like he was squeezing the life & breath out of me and yet I could feel his breath on my face. He was still telling me he loved me and he wouldn't let me leave til I knew how much. I was his... You are mine... MINE, MINE, MINE
My mind was spinning and I really thought I was a dying. I remember feeling the tears just roll down my face... the only noise I was making was gasps for air. All the while I was looking in his eyes.... Dark bottomless pits his voice was a garbled mess to me and I realized if I didn't do something... well....
From way back in my mind I remember a good guy friend of mine telling me I didn't need my hands to fight... when all else fails use your legs... From somewhere I got the energy I needed to swing my leg around and catch him behind the knees. His hold on my arms loosened as he started to fall and I forced my knee up as hard and fast as I could right into his face. Before he even fell I grabbed my purse, my first instance of luck since if I had put it where I usually did I would have lost precious time, I swung open the apartment door and ran.
As I was getting close to the elevators and the door for the stairs I heard his bellows of pain and him screaming my name. I wasn't sure how long I had til he came for me. I had a moment of surreal panic/insanity when I thought of all the movies I've seen where the woman being chased chooses the elevator and the bad guy ends up catching her... I shook the thought out of my head and looked at my boots with heels and realized the elevator was best. I pressed that button begging for the doors to open and just as they didn I heard him start down the hallway, calling my name.... Saying we needed to talk.... don't leave. Sounded good if the neighbors were listening, right. I saw his shadow just as the doors were closing and I began praying that the elevator would make it down to the lobby faster than him taking the stairs. It felt like forever before the doors opened.
As I ran out of the elevator and I am blindly digging in my purse for my car keys I hear him slamming down the stairs. I ran blindly thru the doors of the building and ran right up to my car, second time luck came into play that night. I know if I was parked any further away he would have caught me. I finally grasped my keys and somehow unlocked my car without dropping my keys from my shaking.
I remember just hitting the lock button as he ran full tilt to my car and grabbed the door handle while pounding on the window with his other fist. He was screaming my name and telling me I was a stupid bitch and I'd pay... I couldn't hide from him.... I just started my car and pulled away with him still holding onto the door handle. I saw him stumble when I looked back in the rearview mirror.
I drove around for a long time crying and thinking. I was terrified to go home and I felt completely alone. I berated myself for being so naive and stupid, I screamed because I had no idea what I was going to do and because I knew from experience no one would help me. The idea of telling my Mom meant my step dad would find out and I couldn't stand to hear what he would have to say. So I drove around and cried, and cried and cried.
Eventually I pulled over at a gas station and did my best to calm down and think logically. Only then I did I start to take stock of what he had done to me. I began to realize I had a starnge pounding pain on the side of my head which I realized was from a huge knot on the side of my head. My lips were bruised and puffy and of course I instantly was thinking of how I'd cover that with make up. I slowly lifted my sweater and realized I never pulled my bra back up and I could instantly see bruises, bites etc on my breasts and bruises lower on my ribs most probably from when he squeezed me so tightly. My throat was raw from crying and screaming, my eyes were swollen from all my tears and my knee hurt like hell. It was one pain I didn't care about... at least I got one good hit in, I'd take it.
I readjusted my clothes, zipped my jacket, did my best to fix my face, put my hair in a pony tail and refused to cry anymore. If I learned anything that night was that tears got me nothing and I was all I really had... I saved myself that night. Which is partly good because it let me know I wasn't a weak little thing who couldn't take care of herself but it also was a bad thing because I blamed myself for everything and continued to blame myself for a very long time.
That was the last time I "saw" Antonio but it was only the beginning of the stalking... calling constantly, following me without my knowledge, the threats and his ability to still control me with fear. ***It may not be tody, it made not be tomorrow, next month or next year. One day even if it years from now I'll get to you and I'll kill you.*** I tried to live under that and with that for a very long time.
It kills me to say it but he still has some control over me since I do still fear him. I think I always will... obviously since I have to make sure I know where he lives and works, I have panic attacks when I think I see him.
I know I'm not the only one who feels like this... I know I'm not the only one who was naive enough and so under our abusers control that we put ourselves in a dangerous situation. I don't tell a lot of people this story because I hate how I feel when I think of it... I didn't even tell my Mom this happened until a month ago. Tonight I'm telling it for everyone who has suffered at the hands of someone who "loved" them and made bad judgement calls in regards to them. I now know I was so emotionally messed that what happened that night wasn't my fault. None of what he ever did to me is my fault.... I didn't do anything wrong. We never did anything wrong... we didn't do anything to deserve it.
Sorry... but that's all I got right now....
Thanks for listening... Til next time my bitches....
~LilBitch
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