I've spent a lot of time in my head lately. A lot more so this past week since I have been home sick without work etc... to keep me and my mind busy. I've come to the conclusion my mind is a pretty colorful, semi fucked up but relatively "healthy" place to be (for the most part). ;)
I'm trying incredibly hard to work thru so much BS and not get pulled under by it. Which is kind of the exact opposite of what I need. What I need is to feel it all, every bit of it. Not allow myself to gloss over the truth of what my life was. Easier said than done... Trust me it sucks... Being totally honest with you all also means I have to be totally honest with myself.
I can tell hundreds of stories and add pretty little endings all I want and it doesn't change the truth of what really happened. My reality is many people's worst nightmares. There are some people who've actually said to me that they'd never let themselves become an abused woman. Really??? Wow, I used to say that too. Hello... over here.... Yea, look at me... I was an abused woman.
That all being said I have been thinking a lot about what if I hadn't come from an abusive home.?.? Set aside my Mama's drinking and what if my step dad loved me and we had a good relationship. Would I still have fallen for a man who did his best to kill me? It's a stupid question to ask because I live in the here and now not in the land of what if's and maybes.
Which brings me to what I'm really struggling with... My sister's perception of her father. It drives me nuts, in this regard, because I may never know the "what if's and maybe's" but I do know he put me on a road of self loathing/low self esteem from the moment he walked into my/our lives. She thinks he wasn't all bad, I say even if he did some good things he was a bad man. Agree to disagree?? Maybe but if I am supposed to be honest than I just plain disagree. I firmly believe he did just as much damage to her as he did to me and Mama. Maybe not in the same way but filling a young child's head with such garbage about a sibling, parent etc... being manipulative, controlling almost sociopathic with her, it did damage.
In the end the damage to our relationship is as close to irreparable as you can get. She and I have been trying and honestly it's not easy for her or me. I need validation of of my emotions and she can't give me much. Thru no fault of her own when she was an infant and a young child... But I do hold her accountable when she was older and able to look at things in a different perspective but she still chose his to view me in. Is that totally fair, probably not but I can't help feeling like that. It's one of the many things I'm still working on. I guess we'll both have to see how we can forge a new relationship... I'm just going along and trying to figure it out just like she is.
I heard something today that really "spoke" to me... You don't always get to pick the path you walk in life but you can choose the way you walk the path. I made some horrendous choices in my past due to my childhood and then my ex but now I have chosen a new path. This path actually uses all the BS in my life for good. Weird but true. Silence begets silence which in turn allows the past to repeat itself.
I guess that's why I have a troubled relationship with my sister... It's hard for me to hear of her love for an evil person and she doesn't understand how I was always so close with our Mom. Both of our paths weren't what we chose and we had to survive in our own ways. I'm not sure if it is my place to take that (her dad) from her.
I took care of her from the time she was born.... She was my responsibility. That's a lot for a child and in the end became more than I could handle, especially with him whispering in her ear, as she got older. Not surprising I became resentful and angry as hell. One of the last things he asked of me was to take care of my baby sister. Make sure she finishes school and reaches her full potential. She is the smart one... blah blah blah.... Easy to see why we don't have a relationship. Even when he was dying and breathing his last breath it was about her oh... and me absolving him of what he did to me. As soon as he died I was done. Not fair but I needed it... She and I have had momentary sisterly bonding here and there but the past always seems to find a way to push at us.
Well my lovelies.... I wish I could write more but unfortunately I'm still feeling sick. I promised my old man and my Mama I'd call the Doctor tomorrow, no worries.
Til next time...
~LilBitch
I definitely don't think what he did to you and the ways he treated you were right or good. Just because I can't say that a person is evil doesn't mean that I then agree with every single thing that person said or did. I just think people are very complicated and everyone is both good and bad. No human being is purely good or purely evil. You often said yourself that your background made you who you are. Does that not apply to other people? All human beings are a mixture of genetics and environment, childhood, and several other factors over which we have little control. Just being born male alone makes you over 800% more likely to commit a violent crime. And did we choose our biological genders?
ReplyDeleteThat's my philosophy on humanity. It applies to dad, and mom, and you, myself, and everyone in the world. I can not hate anyone, including my father. If that is the one thing holding us apart, my lack of hate for dad, then I'm afraid we surely will get nowhere in attempting to reform a relationship. If I don't hate dad, it does not mean I hate you. This is a false dichotomy. I still wish to communicate more frequently with you when or if you're ready.