Memories....?

I have been trying to think of any good times/memories with my step dad. We didn't have much in common though he did give me my love of football and baseball and pushed me to be interested in politics and our country. Now, those are good things but good memories, not so much. It always felt like those things were him showing he was "trying" with me not getting to know me etc...

I can think of one selfless thing he'd ever do for me and that was when I was suffering from a migraine. He had a way of pressing on the pressure point in a certain way that relieved the pain in my skull that felt like it was going to make my head explode. Is that a good memory?? Well, it was a nice thing to do... I have to admit fear at those times though because he would wrap his hands around my neck while working on the pressure point. Him being the person who struck out at me and generally went out of his way to be awful to me, having his hands around my neck was definitely disconcerting.

My sister said to me the other day she didn't believe him to be a totally bad person. I respect her opinion since her dealings with him were entirely different than mine. I just can't see him any other way than what he was. He took away my hope, stole my innocence in feeling safe with my parents, he turned my sister against me, he made me feel worthless and useless, like I was nothing. I was an emotional mess for years because of him and I believe his abuse made me easy pickings for my ex. Hell, I'm still working thru my emotional minefield even now....

Bottomline... bad people can do good things.... but I can't say that it over rides any of the bad (abuse etc) they have done. Everyone makes mistakes and can do something that's considered bad but that is far different than what he did on a consistent basis with me and my family. I guess I am respectfully disagreeing with my sister. It just shows that the family dynamic for me is still very difficult.

Family is a hard thing for me to understand. Since I didn't have one that was even close to conventional... then add in the dysfunction and stir in every ones opinion it always seemed like a big pain in the ass. My Mama and Granny and my Nanny were my "family". As I got older I "collected" a family I made out of good friends. I may not have great father daughter memories, big sister little sister memories but I made some great memories with the family I made....

So I rambled from one extreme to another... but it's what was going thru my mind tonight.

Love you, my Bithces....

~LilBitch