Happy never lasted long...

The reality of normal or the perfect family is something I still don't really understand. I know that there is really no such thing as normal or perfect but in the sense of emotionally healthy, I have no clue. I tell my husband all the time that his upbringing and family dynamic is like Leave it to Beaver for me. My reality was the polar opposite. I doubt he and I would have even been friends back when I was young... Somehow I always gravitated towards people and made friends with those who came from some form of familial dysfunction. Very rarely did I have "normal" friends. I didn't feel comfortable around them not to mention it was very difficult to hide my dysfunction from them.

That being said I still had dreams of a happy family. All we needed was a new baby. It seemed all my friends were getting baby brothers and sisters and they were all happy families. In my 5 yr old mind I figured a baby brother or sister would make us a happy family too.

On March 21st 1980 my baby sister was born!!!! I was beyond excited... I knew everything was going to be perfect. The day my my Mom and Step Dad brought Joanne home from SC., yep, another perfect bought baby, it was cold, drizzly and chilly but I could have cared less. I was getting a baby sister.

Which makes what happened next prophetic.... My best friend from nursery school's Mom came and picked me up from school that day. She could tell how excited I was about Joanne coming home since I couldn't stop babbling on about it!!! I was even telling her infant son all about how great it was going to be. Then BAM! A truck hits our car. Yep, we got into an accident not 10 mins from my house. Now to a child who watched CHiPs, Emergency and Dragnet, not to mention we were all fine/no injuries, I figured it'd take 5 minutes ... You know, like on TV. Reality, I was stuck in the car with a screaming infant for what seemed like forever while the cops, my friends Mom and the Garbage Truck driver, yes we were hit by a garbage truck, discussed and made reports etc etc.... Nothing like a screaming baby to shake my "I'm getting a baby sister" excitement never mind the getting hit by a garbage truck. I mean seriously Freud would've gone nuts with that!

By the time I got I got home and waited for what seemed like hours my excitement had returned and by the time my Mom walked in holding my baby sister I was beside myself. I instantly wanted to hold her. My step dad said no that I needed to wait. He didn't trust me to not drop her or hurt her. So I waited... went and sat patiently on the couch next to my Mama and held her tiny little hand. She had the biggest blue eyes I ever saw, lots of light almost translucent blond hair and what I now call the cutest pinchables (cheeks). 

We (Me, Granny, Cynthia, Mama and my Step Dad) were all in the TV room and for a few moments were happy. I eventually, thanks to my Mama and Granny, got to hold my sister and I really believed everything was going to be alright. Everyone was enamored of her and she wasn't crying, which was a plus after my experience earlier in the day, and I even got to feed her a bottle. Life was good.

Good never lasted long in our house. While I was basking in all my big sister glory I heard my Mama and Step Dad arguing in the other room. She was upset that he was leaving to go to a business dinner and not spending time with his family. I mean now I can say it but seriously??? He just brought home his new daughter!!!!!!! Anyhow, Mama's begging and cajoling and well arguing didn't change his mind. Yet again his public persona, business was more important. Her parting comment was something like "at least you don't expect me to go."

Yea, happy never lasted long....

I knew Mama was upset, Granny was pissed, Cynthia left and went up to her room... I sat and held my baby sister. My Step Dad and I still were at odds, amazing how a five year old and a 60 something year old can be at odds but we were, so to be honest I kind of liked that he left. At the time I couldn't explain the feeling of fear that I had when he was around so when he left I felt peace even though I felt bad Mama was so sad.

I eventually gave up my "hold" on my sister and Mama took her up to her nursery and got her ready for bed. I stood right by her side the whole time. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She was my wish come true... Mama eventually put her in her bassinet and me and Granny said the prayers we always said together to her for the first time and sang her a our bedtime song.

We all eventually left the nursery and Mama got me ready for bed. Well as best as she could since I was still flying from being so excited. I said my prayers blessing everyone especially my baby sister and then Granny sang to me. I eventually fell asleep, with a smile on my face I'm sure. Only to be woken up by screaming and wailing like I never heard before!!!

I jumped out of bed, I was so scared... I ran into the nursery where I found my Mama, Granny and Cynthia with a very, very unhappy baby.
I slowly walked over to the rocking chair and asked what was wrong with her. I don't really remember what anyone said but I was remembering the baby crying so much earlier in the day and I wasn't feeling so happy about this baby sister deal...

I remember asking if she was broken and if we could take her back. Mama chuckled at me and said no... So I did the only thing I knew to do that worked on my friends brother earlier in the day.... I gave her my finger to hold on to and whispered to her. I wasn't the only one who was amazed but she settled down. Looking back on that night it was a good thing my Step Dad wasn't home yet, because maybe it was foreshadowing, but that night at that moment Joanne became my baby. Something that would be a huge issue between he and I til the day he died.

Little did I know that morning when I woke up that what I once wanted so much would turn into something that I ended up wishing I never got. Not that I didn't or don't love my sister but when they say be careful what you wish for, well... they mean it.

Yea, happy never lasted long.....